Nobody better take my emotions away

I don't want my feelings to change. I want my situation to change.

I want my emotions to guide me to what I need to do and where I want to be. I WANT my emotions to MAKE me do something, so I gain experience to develop abilities and make accomplishments, so that the sources of anxiety stop producing anxiety because I am equipped with knowledge and confidence to know how to handle them.

I don't want to swallow a pill to block anxiety. I DON'T want to be OKAY with things the way they are, to accept however things might be for the sake having a mood that requires nothing more of me. That kind of existence is detestable. I don't want to remain weak and incapable of handling things forever.

If I am timid and anxious because I don't know how to handle a situation, then I want to feel timid and anxious. I want to feel timid and anxious until I learn how to deal with the situation and I am confident.

When I am lonely, I don't want a blue tablet of chemicals to keep me company while I watch an absurd sitcom or sit in a noisy restaurant pretending to have a good time with people I don't really like. I want a person there with me, who can relate, who can love and receive love.

I want my bluest of blues, rich saffron, and indigo violet, and sanguine red. I want moral outrage, intolerance and heart fluttering visions of beauty.

I don't want someone to offer me a pill as a 'treatment' for my depression. The reasons for our depressions are varied and unique, each with different forms for recovery and resolution. How does one generic chemical blocker "treat", no I mean actually treat, specifically this condition? Medication is not a treatment for depression, it's a drug that messes with your brain to impair your normal range of emotion. Keeps you right in the middle, all the time, without any capability of judging whether or not you OUGHT to be off on one end or the other.

Mother died? Oppp, let me put you in middle of the road. Lost a son or daughter? Okay, here you go... right in the center you are. You think your brain isn't going to backlash against that unnatural wrenching? You think all those chemicals given off by your feelings - chemicals inhibited from binding to receptor sites - are doing your brain any good floating around? You think when the drug wears off your brain will have a nice time sorting out all this shit flooding it? 

Oh. Well, we'll dump more chemicals to block those excess feelings until they go away. But the problem doesn't go away. These 'unwanted feelings' are constantly being produced because the problem is always there, unresolved because you are 'treating' the depression away with medication. Medication is just a fucking payment plan for depression. Like a property tax on your house or your car. It's a way for society to make money off you for something you have.

'You'll still feel happy or sad, just not as extreme. Not out of control. You'll still be able to do normal things.' Yeah, I'll be able to do nothing about it until it gets ignored away is what that amounts to. Without an ACTUAL solution to the problem, I'll just be wishy-washy meek and mopey but functional Gus, shepherded along by the more important priorities dictated by greater powers that be. Paying a bill, buying a car or whatever the TV advertises me to do, enslaved by a mortgage, a college tuition, a child, a vacation, a 401k until it runs out and I have to go back to work after forced retirement.

The real solution is out there, in life. And it's free. It may cost you more than all the gold on Afric's shore, and all the sands in your hourglass, but it cannot be bought with money and washed down with a glass of water. And the reason you're not getting it, is the same reason you had depression to begin with. Because society deprives individuals of a mentally healthy lifestyle for the sake of increasing industry, commerce, business, wealth, power, and maintaining control.

I would rather have someone, anyone ... to offer me a path to follow, a piece of wisdom, a personal story, a challenge, a trial, a goal ... to lead me on a journey out of depression... than to 'treat' my depression. I want something to be grateful for - not a gift, thank you. (Handing down gratitude). Did Virgil hand Dante a quick fix? A mild sleeping pill to sedate the Lupe and walk gingerly by? Did he simply blindfold Dante, wrap him in padding and shove him towards the leopard that kills any who stray in her path? NO! A resolute and resounding, NO! Dante was led the LONG way around to SEE the circles of hell, EXPERIENCE suffering, UNDERSTAND the nature of man, and OVERCOME his doubts... so that the strength and courage to climb the hill developed inside him.

Depression happens when I don't find an outlet to overcome my weakness and grow stronger. When all my signals work fine, and my motors are running, but my efforts are ineffectual. I can go out and meet people, but I can't make a friend. I can try my hardest to do a good job, but the work is not available.

Depression happens when everything in my heart is telling me don't, but all my options point to do. When everything in my soul is yearning to do, but I can't find any trail, so I don't.