A Dream Visit

Through the night, heavy rain pelted my car. The rain came in volleys, sheet after sheet. The wind was very strong and rocked my car from side to side.

Sounds of the rain last night

In the morning, I lined the raindrops on my car window up with the trees in the distance to look like the trees grew raindrops out of their branches, or that the trees were wet with rain.

Morning raindrops

I visited my friend from school growing up in a dream last night. We've kept in sparse contact in real life, and have made drop-in visits to his house throughout the time we've known each other, so if this were to happen in real life, it would not be too surprising.

Visiting him in a dream felt the same as if I had visited him in real life. I feel like I did visit him. That it happened in a dream and not real life, seems irrelevant, because the two feel emotionally indistinguishable.

We understand each other well, as people. We can know what the other is thinking without saying anything.

I was happy to visit. But at the same time, I was sad. I wanted to stay around forever, and for that reason, I wanted to leave before I ran out of things to say. Even though we were alike in our attitudes or personalities, the range of activities we had in common was limited.

I wanted to hang around even with nothing to say and nothing to do, because I felt at home with my friend. Yet I had so much I wanted to talk about and to do that he didn't have interest in: literature, science, run a game of basketball, play a song, or cook - even! I felt so confined, sitting on his couch, pretending to watch TV after I ran out of things to say. 

In the dream, I'm typing a message to him on my tablet from my car. It is nighttime, and raining I suppose, as it was raining in real life while I slept. He is in a brightly lit building to the right of my car. We just finished talking, we talked about bodybuilding and nutrition. I told him I want to go swimming, swimmers have huge broad chests! I'm getting to leave and message goodbye, even though I want more to say. It would make sense that he'd be in his house... but the building is a square room that had glass windows like a Laundromat.

I'm taking forever to type a message to him, messing up the spelling and getting the wrong auto-corrected words. I'm thinking, this is stupid, he's in the next room right there - I should just go in and talk to him. He comes out to my car, with the non-verbal communication "Aww, you're leaving already? I just put on a jacket to come out and meet you". I open the rear right door of my car (where my head is in real life when I'm sleeping), and my ottoman, bags of clothes, and blankets spill out onto the street. It's awkward, I'm awkward. I can't help but be awkward around him when I'm wanting to go and wanting to hang around some more.

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Reader: "I'm sorry you felt sad."

I know what you mean to say, and I know you mean well, but how could you be sorry? Besides, it's not so much sad to me as it is beautiful.

If I had all those things I wanted, a perfect friend for me who understood me completely and enjoyed all the things I did, and we hung out together easy and simple... that would be boring. There would be no adversity in that story, just - oh hey, isn't everything going perfect for you, ain't life grand!

Not having everything we want makes us appreciate the parts of it that we do have even more. Even with incompatible, imperfect friendships I value them greatly, out of the scarcity of relationships I have.

I paid my friend a visit last night in my dream. I think that says a lot about what his friendship meant to me, more than if the story were all perfect and simple. I wanted to see him, in spite of knowing all the awkward sadness I would face in the end. I was happy to see him. The sadness made it more beautiful.

I appreciate imperfect relationships with people because I have nothing better. I don't mean that in a disparaging way about my social life, I mean that in the best of ways I can. That (hopefully) I have learned to appreciate genuine rapport with others, in every shape or form. My isolation gives me the mobility to interact with all people, not just those in a small group of a particular clique.  

I should not dismiss people based on circumstantial differences. I form friendships based on personality and character. I can engage and find with solidarity with people of all sorts, creeds, and cultures. I cherish personal connection and value it with anyone, no matter how different or mismatched I may be with them in other ways. At least - I try to, because in the end we are all humans - all imperfect, yet all have value in unique ways. I think an episode of My Little Pony taught me that lesson. CNNBCBS cares TM.