Diary

The future is set. We die. The present is not set. We live. How we end up from one means to the next is not important. Our jobs, titles statuses are superficial. Our will is what matters.

Everything I have to give or do, I should do in life so there is no need to give away my will for someone else to carry out.

All I have to give away, I would have already given away freely. My knowledge, my love, my work, and my art.

It's not "ask, and you shall receive."
It's "will and give, then you shall receive"

Goodbye, my past

I felt depressed on 12/2 Wednesday morning, a little after I woke up. Upon waking, I was overjoyed with the exploits of the previous day and my late night programming session. I was still excited, being 'in the moment'. But then I started to absorb the question of how I will make my living on this journey and my enthusiasm evaporated. This one stupid question nullified all my goals and aspirations. It brought me back to the place I was before I started my journey. Floating in limbo.

So I put on my imaginary psychiatry glasses (worn on an imaginary chain around my neck), reclined in my car backseat chaise lounge and began to write.



You have to have something to live for to make your money. Put the purpose before the means. Safe-future people won't see things that way, but you must stay the course. There is no "future-proofing". The only safety you have is in your everyday body of living.

They will think, 'secure the means then mete and dole out (unequal laws unto a savage race, that hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me. - Tennyson, Ulysses) rations of your purpose until you die. Why wait so long? Death is upon us already. Why save up living (vile it were for some three suns to store and hoard myself, and this gray spirit yearning in desire to follow knowledge, like a sinking star, beyond the utmost bound of human thought. - Ulysses), why hold life in your hands, not playing your cards until death? Death is upon us already. Play your hand, reveal your cards, empty your fist so you can draw a new card. (Here, said she, is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor (Those are pearls that were his eyes. Look!) ... and this card, which is blank, is something he carries on his back, which I am forbidden to see. - T.S. Eliot. The Wasteland). And if you die having done all those things, what does it matter if life preserves you for decades or allows you an early respite?

Do what you believe in, live each moment of your present as representative of your life in its entirety. Be homogeneous in purpose, heterogeneous in experiences, and go!... run with no timer, no finish line. Not knowing and not caring when or why the journey will end, but only concerned with making each step of the journey worth the life granted. Life on lease that is taken back at the end.

Thinking about money, and how my current living is not future-proofing my funds made me dejected about my goals - goals that I was so enthusiastic about, just before. I'm depressed to feel I'm not meeting expectations. The main reason I haven't talked with my parents is that's all they can ever bring to communication. Making me feel like shit about my ambitions, because all they understand and think with is future-proofing.

The future is set. We die. The present is not set. We live. How we end up from one means to the next is not important. Our jobs, titles statuses are superficial. Our will is what matters. Pause to think about what a will, legal document, implies. It's what we wish to be carried out that we didn't do in life.

(When I die, I leave no will. Everything I will, I do while alive. I hoard nothing, and reserve nothing for someone else to carry out - on account that I've been too busy, proofing my future.)

Why leave all these undone things? Why after death, not before? Everything I have to give or do, I should do in life so there is no need to give away my will for someone else to carry out.

Why possess more than befits a single man, that I would need to give some of it away, once I'm no longer around? All I should have to give away if I live long and prosper is a single home, a vehicle, and some living funds. None of which should make significant impact where it goes.

If I want to provide for loved ones, I should do it while I'm alive, so I can administrate and see my effect. Why make their lives better after I die, why not make them better while I'm around to enjoy their company?

All I have to give away, I would have already given away freely. My knowledge, my love, my work, and my art. What price could one trade for lasting influence? To give away for free and spread my will across everything I encounter... that is invaluable, more than any ransom of riches could exchange for.

It's not "ask, and you shall receive."
It's "will and give, then you shall receive"

Amen.