Working Hard for Friendship

It seems if I want people around me I need to be doing something: work, sports, hobby, etc. That interaction is not on a close personal level, it's not really enough to feel satisfied, and after a while it becomes exhausting to be constantly working to have any social contact.

For a while I had a few close friends and that too was unsatisfying because I was spending a lot of time just to be around them, but I couldn't do most of activities I enjoyed that weren't things they did. On a scale from left to right of where the blame lies, the issue could be me personally being socially unsavvy, or the match wasn't good, or I'm just a different person that doesn't fit the norm and there's not much anyone can do about it.

I dunno, loneliness bothered me the most from my teens to early twenties in the social atmosphere of school. Because people around me acted like they were having a great time and social life was so important to self-esteem and perceptions of success, I made it one of my expectations for myself. But now I don't hold myself to the same expectation, 'that's what you're supposed to do when you're that age' is the feeling I have now, it doesn't apply to me anymore.

I do get lonely, usually when I accomplish something I'm proud of, that should make me happy and I should have reason to go out with friends to celebrate, or enjoy with a girl, or have people I respect know about; then I feel sad because I'm alone and get none of those good consequential moments. And I regret the accomplishment, 'cause before I got it at least there was reason to believe that once I accomplished something, things would change and people would be there for me but it didn't. That's not regret then, I guess, but disappointment. Disappointment not in myself for not doing well enough, but more like hopelessness that no matter how well I do, there's no one there to make me feel good about it.