Morning Anxiety

When I feel like I have to do a job that I can't tolerate, and there's no way for me to change the situation, it's like my brain refuses to cooperate. I don't sleep the night before work or class. That produces a feeling like I'm on a buzz that carries me through the day and makes me feel okay.

I believe sleep deprivation produces this effect on me, because putting myself in a limiting physical condition temporarily reduces my higher level thoughts and needs in Maslow's Hierarchy.

When I am in normal physical condition, unattainable longings for self-actualization, esteem, love/belonging constantly bother me. But when I am sleep deprived, I can't focus on these things. I am just trying to physically make it through my day and those miserable feelings are inaccessible. My needs are reduced to the lowest level of physiological survival. Completing simple tasks like crossing the street without getting hit by a car or eating breakfast are enough to bring me fulfillment.

While I am sleep deprived, I find I am less inhibited in my actions and I can easily find humor in things. It's similar to being drunk. However the effect wears off later in the day, and then I am exhausted and unable to experience my normal emotions.

Temporarily making emotions inaccessible has the practical benefit that I can focus on lower level functions like going to work. But I think shutting myself off from higher level needs is a very unhealthy coping technique. It means I don't have access to higher functions, thoughts, or ambitions anymore. I also believe this is essentially how treatment through medication works, and as an aside - this is why I am opposed to taking medication personally.

After a few days though, my lack of sleep catches up to me. I stay up until 4 or 5 am, then I can't keep my eyes open. I try to take a short nap before work but I can't wake up. I sleep through the whole day. Sometimes I don't call out until I'm three, four hours late, sometimes I can't at all.