水滸傳 Shui Hu Zhuan, "Outlaws of the Marsh" by Shi Nai'an and Luo Guanzhong. Translated by Sidney Shapiro.
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Chapter 24: Mistress Wang, the 'mixed market' match maker.
Mistress Wang laughed uproariously. “Right Honorable, I'll give it to you straight. This tea−shop is just a front—'the devil playing night watchman'. From the snowy morning on the third day of the sixth month three years ago when I sold my first cup of steeped tea, I've never done much business here. My real trade is in the 'mixed market'.”
“What do you mean: 'mixed market'?”
“Mainly, I'm a match−maker. But I'm also a broker, a midwife, a lovers' go−between, and a bawd.”
Right Honorable Ximen, a wealthy corrupt businessman with a wife and many concubines, has desires for Golden Lotus, a beautiful woman unhappily arranged married to a short, unattractive simpleton of a Steamed Bun peddler. Mistress Wang, tea shop owner and next door neighbor to Golden Lotus, arranges for Ximen to have an affair.
Golden Lotus, expecting her husband home shortly, went to the door with a forked pole to lower the curtain over the entrance way. The pole she was holding slipped and landed right on the man's head. Angrily, he [Ximen] halted and turned around, ready to blast. But when he saw the lissome creature standing there, he promptly cooled down. His rage went sailing off to Java, and he smiled.
Adjusting his head kerchief, the man bowed. “It doesn't matter. Think nothing of it.
Mistress Wang, the girl's neighbor, observed all this through the screen of her tea−shop door. She laughed.
“Who told you to walk so close to the eaves of the house,” she called. “Serves you right!”
Haha. Wang, seeing that Ximen's anger turned around because the perpetrator is a beautiful woman, takes his hypocrisy a step further and turns the blame on Ximen!
Hypocrisy is the contrivance of a false appearance of virtue or goodness, while concealing real character or inclinations.
Ximen acts like he is not angered by the accident as if he is a forgiving and a gentleman. But actually he is lusting after Golden Lotus, and only wants to win her favor.
"The man smiled. “It's my own fault. I bumped into the lady. I hope she'll forgive me.”
Golden Lotus also smiled. “Then you're not angry?”
Again the man laughed. He gave her a sweeping bow. “I wouldn't dare.” His eyes roved over her boldly, then he swaggered off with measured pace.
“Listen to me, Right Honorable. These seduction cases are the hardest of all. There are five conditions that have to be met before you can succeed. First, you have to be as handsome as Pan An. Second, you need a tool as big as a donkey's. Third, you must be as rich as Deng Tong. Fourth, you must be as forbearing as a needle plying through cotton wool. Fifth, you've got to spend time. It can be done only if you meet these five requirements."
Haha, Wang is pep talking him. She doesn't really expect him to be as rich, handsome, well-endowed, restrained, and patient as all that!
Having the confidence to think he meets the five conditions is the real requirement, whether true or not! If he falters and says he can't meet all the conditions, I'll bet she wouldn't think he's committed to the task.
“Frankly, I think I do. First, while I'm far from a Pan An, I still can get by. Second, I've had a big cock since childhood. Third, my family has a bit of change. Maybe not as much as Deng Tong, but enough. Fourth, I'm very forbearing. Even if she struck me four hundred blows, I'd never return one, Fifth, I've plenty of time. Otherwise, how could I keep hanging around here? Godmother, you must help me. If we succeed, I'll pay you heavily.”
“Right Honorable, although you say you meet the five requirements, there's still another stumbling block.”
“What's that?”
“Forgive me if I'm blunt, but these seduction cases are very tricky. Every bit of the money needed must be provided. You mustn't hold back even one penny out of a hundred. You've always been a little tight−fisted. You don't like to throw your money around. That's going to stand in our way.”
“We can cure that easily enough. I'll simply do what you say.
He admits he's short of her stringent expectations, but doesn't say he can't meet her conditions. She deems him satisfactory.
Wang is no charity worker. She looks out for #1, her own interest: getting paid. Before she does business, she makes sure she's got a hold of his wallet by the balls.
“If you're willing to spend the money, Right Honorable, I can arrange a meeting between you and the pullet. But you have to promise me something.”
“Anything you want. What's your plan?”
“It's late, today. Come back in three months or half a year and we'll discuss this some more.”
Ximen knelt at her feet. “Quit kidding around, godmother,” he begged. “You've got to do this for me!”
LOL, come back in six months. She sure knows how to tease men and get them on their knees! Strengthening his attraction by pulling away.
“I came across a good one the other day, but I'm afraid you won't want her.”
“If she's really good, you arrange it for me, and I'll thank you.”
“A very handsome woman, but a bit mature.”
“A year or two's difference in our ages won't matter. How old is she?”
“She was born in the year of the tiger. At New Year's she'll be exactly ninety−three!”
Ximen laughed. “You're mad! Always joking!”
Haha, I have the perfect grandmother for you! She's seeing if he's a picky or difficult person and listening to his tone for clues how eager and willing he is.
Early the next morning when Mistress Wang opened her door and looked outside, there was Ximen, walking back and forth in front of the shop.
“That stud sets a fast pace,” she said to herself. “I'll spread a little sugar on the tip of his nose, just out of reach of his tongue. He's great at wheedling favors in the county office, but I'll show him that he can't get anything from me on the cheap!”
She opened the door wide, started the fire, put the kettle on. Ximen entered immediately and sat down by the door screen, his eyes on the bamboo curtain before Wu the Elder's door. Mistress Wang pretended not to notice, and remained in the rear, fanning the fire.
“Godmother,” Ximen called. “Two cups of tea, please.”
“So it's you, Right Honorable,” Mistress Wang grinned. “Haven't seen you in days. Have a chair.”
Haha. Play pretending she doesn't remember him. He was there just the day before! She knows he's very intent on getting the girl, so she's going to fan the flames on his anxiety by playing slowly and squeeze him for all the money he's worth!
She set two cups of strong ginger tea on the table before him.
“Have one with me,” Ximen invited.
“I'm not your dearie,” the old woman cackled.
Hahaha. She teases him so well. "Wouldn't you rather be having tea with Golden Lotus?" she implies!
Ximen sat a while, drinking his tea. He stood up. “Put it on the bill, godmother.”
“Don't worry. I'll do that all right.”
Ximen smiled and departed.
Soon afterwards, Mistress Wang, tending her shop, glanced outside. Ximen was again pacing in front of the door. He walked to the east, and gave a look. He walked to the west, and looked again. Seven or eight times he did this, then once more entered the tea−shop.
“A rare visit, Right Honorable!” Mistress Wang hailed him. “It's been a long time!”
Ximen smiled. He took out a piece of silver and handed it to her.
“This is for the tea, godmother,” he said.
“It doesn't amount to all this much.”
“Just hang on to it.”
“Got him!” the old woman thought with inner satisfaction. “The stud is really hooked.”
She put the money away
Haha. She's letting him spend his money at her shop to see how much he's worth, and how much he's willing to spend, before she lets him in on her 'mixed market' matchmaking services.
She's also feeding his obsession by teasing him how often he comes, he can't stay away! Yet she goads him on, openly pretending like he doesn't come often enough to see her! Haha. Though in a way, it's true. He's not visiting Wang; he's here because he wants to see Golden Lotus!
Wang's plan isn't all that complicated as she makes it seem. She highlights ten points for victory to Ximen, who is so crazed over Golden Lotus that he wouldn't think anything about it, no matter what she asked him to do.
The craftiness of Wang's plan is actually how to get the most silver for herself!
Mistress Wang chuckled. “Impatient, aren't you? I have a plan, and it's a good one. It may not be foolproof, but it's ninety per cent sure. Now here's what we do: This girl was the goddaughter of a wealthy Qinghe family, and she's a fine seamstress. You go out and buy me a bolt of white brocade, a bolt of blue silk, a bolt of white silk gauze, and ten ounces of good silk floss and have them delivered here.
I'll go over to the girl's house and have a cup of tea with her. I'll say: 'A kind gentleman has given me some material for burial garments. Would you please look in your almanac and see what's an auspicious day for me a hire a tailor?' If she doesn't respond, then that's the end. If she says: 'I'll make them for you,' and tells me not to bother about a tailor, then we've scored one point out of ten. I'll ask her over to my place. If she won't come and says: 'Bring the material here,' then that's the end. If she's pleased, and agrees, we've scored point two."
First point: Wang gets to keep the fine silks and cloths Ximen buys, and Golden Lotus sews her garments for free!
Second point: Get Golden Lotus to come to her shop and Wang can receive any money that is exchanged.
“Then I'll say: 'I'm lucky to have this lady do the sewing for me. I'm very grateful to both of you benefactors. One gives money, the other gives skill. This lady wouldn't even be here if I hadn't gone out of my way to beg her. Won't you help me, Right Honorable, to show her my thanks?' You take out some silver and ask me to buy her something. If she turns and leaves, I won't be able to stop her, and that will be the end. If she remains, we've won point six."
Sixth point: Wang buys 'a cooked fat goose, stewed meat and delicate tidbits' in honor of Golden Lotus. The rest of the silver I presume she keeps for herself!
“After she's had plenty to drink and you've started a conversation with her, I'll claim there's no more wine, and tell you to buy some more. You ask me to do it. I'll pretend to go, and close the door, leaving you two alone inside. If she gets upset and runs home, that will be the end. But if, after I close the door, she doesn't make any fuss, we've won point nine. We'll need only one point more for the game."
Nineth point: Ximen gives money to Wang to buy more wine. She keeps the money and waits outside the door for lovemaking to begin.
Brush one of the chopsticks off the table with your sleeve. Bend down as if to pick it up and pinch her foot. If she screams, I'll come charging in to the rescue, and you will have lost, probably for good. If she doesn't make a sound, that will be point ten. Then, and then, she will be all yours!
To drive the point home, Wang concludes her plan by telling Ximen to remember her payment! By now he has been urged enough times to know what Wang needs to make his affair happen! Haha. "How can I forget, when you keep beating me over the head, telling me to bring money?"
"How do you like my plan?"
Ximen was delighted. “Maybe it couldn't get into the emperor's Hall of Fame, but it's excellent!”
“Don't forget my ten ounces of silver!”
“'Can one forget Dongting Lake while eating its fragrant tangerine peel?' When do we start?”
During the planned meeting, Wang praises Ximen in front of Golden Lotus and approves of every word he says. That's not what she thinks of Ximen! She didn't act that way when it was just him at her tea shop, haha!
“The Right Honorable is very amiable,” Mistress Wang interpolated. “He's not the kind to bear a grudge. A very nice man.”
“We hadn't met before the other day,” said Ximen. “So she's Wu the Elder's wife. I know him. A competent manager. He conducts his business on the street and never offends anyone, old or young. He earns money and has a good disposition. An unusual person.”
“That's Wu the Elder,” cried Mistress Wang. “And this lady is the most dutiful of wives.”
“He's a useless fellow,” said Golden Lotus. “You're laughing at us, sir.”
“Not at all, madam,” protested Ximen. “The ancients say: 'The pliant rise in the world, the hard invite disaster.' An excellent man like your Wu the Elder 'doesn't lose a drop in ten thousand tons of water'.”
“How true,” gushed the old woman, beating the drum from the sidelines.
Wang is so funny! Great metaphor, 'beating the drum from the sidelines' haha.
He's called the Right Honorable Ximen. He's very rich. He has a medicinal drug shop opposite the county office. His money would overflow the Big Dipper. Rice rots in his granaries. Whatever of his that is yellow is gold, what's white is silver, what's round is pearls, what glitters is jewels. He has rhinoceros horns and elephant tusks....”
With wild exaggeration, Mistress Wang praised Ximen. The girl listened, her head bent over her sewing. Ximen gazed at her, consumed with desire. He couldn't wait to get her alone. The old woman poured tea and put a cup in front of each of them.
“Have some tea with the gentleman,” she said to Golden Lotus.
There was a touch of provocation in the girl's glances. Mistress Wang looked at Ximen significantly and touched her face with five fingers of her hand. He understood. Five−tenths of the battle was won.
Haha, Wang is making Ximen out to be the donkey cocked, handsomest, richest man that she required for the seduction!
Mistress Wang said: “I'm afraid the wine is
nearly finished. Can I trouble you to buy another bottle?”
“There are five ounces of silver in my purse. You can have them all. Take what you need and keep the change.”
Mistress Wang thanked him and got up, glancing at Golden Lotus. The dram of wine inside the girl was stirring her passions. She and the man were talking freely. Both were aroused. Golden Lotus kept her head down, but she didn't leave. Grinning, Mistress Wang addressed her.
“I'm going out to buy another bottle. Please keep Right Honorable company. There's still some wine in the heating tube. You and he can each have a cup. I'm going all the way down to that shop opposite the county office to get some good wine, so I won't be back for quite a while.”
“You needn't go to so much bother,” the girl murmured. She remained where she was.
Mistress Wang went out, close and tied the doors of the rear room, then sat herself down on guard
Wang keeps the silver for the good wine across town, which she never intended to buy.
Ximen poured wine for Golden Lotus. With his wide sleeve, he swept a pair of chopsticks from the table to the floor. Fate was on the side of his amorous quest—they landed right beside the girl's feet. He bent down as though to pick them up and instead squeezed one of her embroidered satin shoes. Golden Lotus laughed.
“Sir, you mustn't! Are you trying to seduce me?”
Ximen knelt before her. “I want you so!”
Golden Lotus raised him to his feet and threw herself into his arms. There in Mistress Wang's room the two hastily undressed. Sharing the same pillow, they revelled joyously.
Hahahaha. “I want you so!” Great pickup tactics of the 12th century Song Dynasty. Advanced footsie. Oops! My chopsticks fell. Better pick them up. What's this? Oh! My hand is touching your shoe. Does this turn you on?
Happy adulterous ending.
After the clouds had spent their rain, and Golden Louts and Ximen were about to put on their clothes. Mistress Wang pushed open the doors and came in. She pretended to be very angry.
“Pretty tricks you two have been up to,” she cried, startling the lovers. “A fine thing! I asked you here to make me garments,” she said to Golden Lotus, “not to play adulterous games! If Wu the Elder finds out, he'll surely blame me! It would be better for me if I told him about it first!”
She started for the door. The girl grabbed her by the skirt. “Godmother, spare me!”
“Not so loud, godmother,” Ximen pleaded.
Mistress Wang chuckled. “I'll spare you both on one condition.”
“One or a dozen,” said Golden Lotus. “I'll promise you anything!”
“From now on, you must fool Wu the Elder and entertain Right Honorable every day without fail, in which case I'll spare you. But if you miss a single day, I'll tell your husband!”
“Whatever you say, godmother.”
“And you, Right Honorable Ximen, you know what I want. The matter is a complete success. Don't forget your promise. If you do, I'll tell Wu the Elder!”
“Never fear, godmother. I won't forget.”
Now Mistress Wang has got them both hooked in her 'mixed market'! Haha. She has the upper hand on both of them, can blackmail if she needs to, and she's pimping Golden Lotus out everyday to Ximen.
Just goes to show what wealth and power a spinster can create out of nothing simply by manipulating people's desires.
Oh and then Golden Lotus poisons her cuckold husband after he finds out and he threatens to get his bad-ass brother who killed a tiger with his bare hands to exact revenge.
I think the only recourse Wu the cuckold had to save himself from this situation would be to give his wife away before all this happened. She wasn't happy with him, and she was far more beautiful and high society than he could hope to wrestle away from other men. He was locking her inside all the time because he had problems with other men courting her and he was not able to fend them off. Find some pretense to allow her to remarry, the community would likely approve or else move somewhere far away, and give her to some rich guy she likes in exchange for some money. If the rich guy is nice, get treated well for the rest of his life. If the rich guy is corrupt and greedy, don't ask for too much so as not to get murdered because he doesn't want to pay. Main thing is to save himself the trouble of an unhappy, adulterous, murderous wife.
Wu the Elder was very short, with an ugly face and a ridiculous head. He was known in Qinghe as Three Inches of Mulberry Bark. Now, it happened that a wealthy family there had a maidservant by the name of Pan Jinlian. In her early twenties, she was quite pretty, and the master of the house began pestering her. Jinlian, or Golden Lotus, didn't want him, and told his wife. He hated her so much for this that he personally provided her with a dowry and married her off to Wu the Elder, free of charge.
Several of Qinghe's dissolute idlers began visiting Wu's house and behaving provocatively. Since nothing about her husband pleased the girl—he was short and grotesque, and had no flair for merry−making whatever—Golden Lotus was quite ready to take a lover. It got so that dandies hanging around outside the door would say openly in front of the timid, law−abiding Wu: “Imagine that luscious piece of meat landing in a dog's jaws!
Haha. Three Inches of Mulberry Bark. Poor guy. Great nickname though.
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| Mulberry bark |
