Terrible Inventions
Band-Aid Sponge
While working Bed Bath and Beyond, I was re-shelving products. One of the items was a short round tub that had this flesh tone image on the front and bubbly font that misled me to think it said Band-Aid Sponge on it.
I showed it to my co-workers and told them the same story, and we got to discussing this terrible new product. The infomercial would be like, "Tired of normal bandages that constantly peel off? Aren't you sick of keeping that rubber adhesive attached to your skin? Not to mention the pain of taking it off? Ouch!"
Introducing the revolutionary new product, the Band-Aid Sponge. That's right, now you can dab your cuts and scrapes away with the patented sponge makes first aid a breeze! International patents in twelve different countries!
Simply hold the sponge against your cut or scrape and in less than 30 seconds, the bleeding is gone! (Warning: bleeding may start again if the user moves, is standing still, or for no reason at all. Repeat as necessary. Do not operate heavy machinery, drink alcohol, or make sudden movements for 36 hours after application.)
In the infomercial there would be like a guy who gashes his leg. He dabs it with the sponge, holds it for like 10 seconds and walks away smiling. Then his leg gushes a fountain of blood as he picks up his foot. LOL.
Two guys playing knife table game stabs their hands. They dab the wound on the sponge, then happily slap each other hi-five and blood sprays
I used to have to wear this uncomfortable bandage for hours. Now I dab and just forget about it. Thanks, Band-Aid Sponge! Walks away, bleeding.
(Band-aid sponge is not suitable for infants, the elderly, or people with sickle cell anemia, HIV, are nursing or are pregnant. The Band-aid sponge is not a substitute for professional medical attention. Do not use if your life is in danger, your carpets are expensive, or wild animals can track the scent of your blood.
Banayonnaise
Librarians at closing time were talking about weird food combinations that people eat. Someone said, there's people who eat bananas with mayonnaise.
I gave me this idea for a terrible invention. Banayonnaise.
It's a regular banana that when you peel it, the core of the banana is filled with mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise is so delicious, but don't you hate having to spread it on something. Wouldn't it be great if you could eat your mayonnaise with one hand, without having the mess of cleanup or the shame of dipping your entire hand in the tub? Woman shakes her head, holding a jar of mayonnaise looking at it, like "no, no matter how much i want to, it would be too inappropriate" standing at her open fridge. Image of a man's hand scooping into an nearly empty mayonnaise tub with a red circle and strike through it. Isn't it about time someone created a product for the true mayonnaise lover.
Introducing, Banayonnaise! It's a regular banana that on the inside has a banana filled inside with mayonnaise. Enjoy your mayonnaise without the embarrassment of packing the jar at home to work (shows an office worker opening a small soft lunchbox revealing the inside is completely filled by a giant mayonnaise jar) his co-workers kind of avoid him while giving him side glances and uncomfortable looks (gets a mobile call, Honey, I can't find the mayonnaise. Did you pack it to work, again?" or the hassle of having to make an entire sandwich to disguise what you really crave? (Shows man opening his fully decked sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and meat to lick the thick layer mayo off his bologna and throw the rest of the sandwich in the trash).
Well, now you can! Enjoy a Banayonnaise while driving, in the pool, at the amusement park (show a guy with his hands in the air holding a banayonnaise going down a roller coaster, and a huge splat of mayo lands next to him onto some fat bowl haircut kid's forehead and drips across his eye. LOL), while fishing, at the gym, even before your dentist appointment. (waiting room, eating a banayonnaise. Smiles revealing a white mush hiding his teeth..)
I'm taking inspiration from this guy, Shinichi Mochizuki, a university professor in Japan who claims to have solved the ABC conjecture. He made his own business cards with the self-proclaimed title of "Inter-universal Geometer". He may be the only one in the world, since he himself invented that branch of Mathematics and only a handful of people can understand it.
